I think the existing text might be a bit poetic, but it's still good English. NAD in my view, but I'll defer to a native speaker.

As Jens notes, "Only after <X happens> <does Y happen>." is correct English, but if it's less accessible than a different phrasing that's equally good English, I think we should be open to changing it. However, the suggested alternative sounds incorrect to me. (So: not exactly this change, but some change here may be justified.)

If this is emphasis, then ok.